Like many of my fellow bloggers, I am having a difficult time writing these days. Right now, I can’t organically tell tales about my favorite looks, a local shop, or a travel diary — believe me, I have stories in the pipeline that are fun and light-hearted, but today, my heart is wide open.
I use this ‘dog-and-pony show’ to give glimpses of my life with all of you, but these past few weeks have been troublesome and at times, overwhelming. I saw friendships fall apart, heard loved ones call each other horrible names, and quite frankly, I am worn out about this — emotionally speaking, that is.
Growing up in Peru with severe ADHD — not the kind where you can’t just sit still, but rather being mostly or even completely unable to pay attention — was at times isolating and crippling. My behavior disrupted classes and I had difficulty finishing even the most mundane of tasks. Schoolwork was a constant struggle. Friendships were hard to develop and maintain, and oftentimes I felt unwanted and misunderstood. Despite everyone’s opinions and labels, I carried on and continued with my life. After years of intensive therapy, my condition improved, and little by little my friends began to reach out again.
When an unexpected candidate won the presidency in Peru more than 25 years ago, my parents packed and left for a better life in the U.S. Though we lived comfortably in Lima, my mom felt it just wasn’t enough — she knew her two daughters deserved a better life, so off we went and settled in Miami, Florida.
Despite my parent’s unconditional support when we first arrived in America, I always felt like the odd one out in school, and was also very self-conscious of my English accent. To add insult to injury, when we moved to South Florida, I was 12 and incredibly skinny, so once the hormones kicked in — I packed on a few pounds and, well I became a bit plump.
Let’s just say — a chubby 15-year-old with braces, and an accent is not exactly conducive to high self-esteem. Though I had friends in high school, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Despite my doubts, I found ways to challenge myself — and pushed myself academically. I took all of the honors and AP courses I could (except in math and science, because I learned early on that it wasn’t my strong suit) and devoured books in English to improve my vocabulary and writing skills.
If you are still reading this — there is a point, I swear, just hear me out. the argument I am trying to make is despite all of the hurdles, I worked incredibly hard (and sometimes I wish I had pushed further) to become the best person I could be. I am lucky to have all of these opportunities and support systems, but it always came with a price, and I knew that slacking off was off limits — and guess what? That work ethic is still a pivotal part of my life.
Though I faced adversities in abundance — the passing of my mom, difficult breakups, leaving the journalism field, financial instability and overall doubt, I remain strong and focused on achieving what I set my mind and heart to. Without the heart, it just doesn’t work — the heart is the ethos of life. I wake up so many days feeling this blog is an utter failure and defeater; even mocking the fact that three people (on a good day) read it, but I am still here — writing, posting, creating, documenting, and enjoying the milestones. Not giving up is what keeps my heart pumping and going.
America is an incredible place, filled with opportunities that most corners of the world are not able to experience. This country is truly a bastion when it comes to opportunities, quality of life, innovation, technology, human rights, and stability. My mom always said “Americans do it best,” and though there are times in which I question our country’s beliefs, I still understand that it is not a utopia and like everything else, it has its flaws.
Just like there are times when I find it difficult to write consistent posts, it’s times like these when it’s even more unbearable to stay quiet. I am glad I pushed myself to write this story and share my experiences, even if only two people engage.
Without the opportunity my family was given more nearly three decades ago, I do not where I would be — most likely, not pouring my heart out while sharing this. My life could have gone in so many directions — and it led me to this path, one I truly hope never ends and shows me even more ways to prevail. I am an assertive woman who isn’t afraid to take risks and will endure to the end.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, if you made it all the way to this point — because writing this was, well, a bit difficult.
Ryzenberg On, is Signing Off
James Goldcrown’s ‘Bleeding Hearts’ mural in Venice, CA